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Monday, October 24

41 break up lines: Because breaking up is hard to do

   You don't complete me. You had me at goodbye. Never thine, never mine, never ours. I wish I knew how to quit you. No, really.
Most of us know how to be broken up with. I mean, that's easy. One part crying on the kitchen floor, two parts cookie dough ice cream, right?
But sadly when you are the breaker-upper break ups don't always "take" on the first try. Honesty is always the best policy but when you can't say: you're a horrible kisser, bad in bed, have disgusting teeth, I saw you only as a summer boyfriend, you suck as a human being, well... Sometimes in breakups, as in life, you just need a script so I wrote these break up starter lines just for you. And me. Ahem.
Hence, this is between you and karma but here are 41 fail-safe break up lines guaranteed to make you smile before "we have to have a serious conversation about this." You'll know the break up line worked when your newly minted ex shouts, "You'll never find another guy like me." And you're thinking, "I sincerely hope not."
The official guide to break up lines
It's over because...
  1. We have different expectations. I expect to be happy, successful, positive...
  2. I have good news. I've found someone else. And if you care about me the way you say you do, you'll be as happy for me as I am.
  3. You deserve to be treated better but this is the best I can do at the current time.
  4. This relationship is getting in the way of my alone time.
  5. I'm not sure what exactly I want. I just know that this isn't it.
  6. It's not that there's someone else, but pretty soon there will be.
  7. I don't want to hold you back from being who you are. And who you are is not who I want to be with.
  8. Since I've already been seeing other people, I think that you should too.
  9. People come into our lives for a reason, season or a time. Ours is up.
  10. The best thing right now is for us both to be single.
  11. You remind me of my uncle.
  12. I realized that it's not me. It's you.
  13. I am clutter clearing for spring. And that includes people clutter.
  14. My dog doesn't like you and I value her opinion.
  15. You've heard of The Friend Zone, right?
  16. You are like a step-brother to me.
  17. Pretty soon, like minutes from now, we'll look back and see how great we are apart.
  18. I don't see myself being in a relationship right now.
  19. The timing is just off, meaning I have no time for this.
  20. Our religions clash and my ancestors won't be happy.
And if you need the break up big guns, I'm leaving because...
  1. My therapist thinks that I will need less meds if I leave you.
  2. I need to focus on work. Because anything is better than this.
  3. That's not my phone breaking up. It's us.
  4. It turns out that size does matter.
  5. We're not compatible. Mostly because you're insane.
  6. Did I forget to mention that I am betrothed to someone else?
  7. My current weight loss plan dictates that I cut out the excess. And that means you.
  8. I'm not mature enough to be in a relationship with someone who is mentally ill.
  9. I just don't want to bring you down to my level. And by down I mean up.
  10. Relationships are hard work and you couldn't possibly pay me enough.
  11. Do you hear that? It's the world's tiniest boombox playing, "Hit the Road Jack."
  12. I think that we both know that we can never be together because we're different species.
  13. I wish that it could have worked out better and I never started dating you to begin with.
  14. Do you have a break up playlist? This is a good time to cue it up.
  15. I don't want to change you. I just don't want to be with the jerk you are right now.
  16. You know that song, "You've gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, know when to run?" We're in the walk away/run phase of things.
  17. This relationship was an experiment in dating up. You've failed.
  18. I know we were supposed to hang out Saturday but I've moved to a new time zone.
Plus the break up classics:
  1. We've grown apart.
  2. We see the world differently.
  3. And of course, I love you. I am just not in love with you.
Until next time. That is, unless you're breaking up with me, of course. Then as Cee Lo Green would say, "Forget you." Here's hoping there's a rockstar smile on your face.
As I always say, be good. And if you can't be good, be safe.
Abiola Abrams is the Author of ,  a presenter with BET ,VH1 and MTV