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Sunday, October 2

Unavailable men: 5 types of men who are absolutely, positively not available for love

    Are you attracted to unavailable men? Yes, I'm talking to you. There is no need to be embarrassed, doll face, I have been there before... repeatedly. Luckily one day I remembered that the world is too big to spend our energy loving those who are not fully open to being loved. Trust me, when you stop this crazy cycle, the love is so much sweeter on the other side. You deserve someone who is there for you on every level.
     So why would smart women date or marry a man (or woman) who is emotionally unavailable? There are many different reasons why someone could be attracted to an unavailable person. Once you've identified the situation you can plan your exit.
     Sometimes we have issues with deservability and don't feel like we deserve to be loved fully. We could also be dating unavailable lovers because they feel familiar to us. Perhaps our fathers or mothers were unavailable or absent in one way or another and so we tend to love only those who are not available. We could also have a martyr or helper complex. We can also be attracted to unavailable men because we ourselves have issues with intimacy. In other words, we are also unavailable.
Here are 5 types of men who are not open to loving or being loved:
1. The Bad Boy
Some days he's warm; other days he's downright cold. He seems brooding and on the edge. You are walking on pins and needles not to upset him. There's always something wrong. He has a generally negative outlook on life and the world at large. You see something different, however. You see a man who you can help; and you just want to save him ... from himself.
If your man is a fixer upper, then he is not available for love.
2. The Long-Distance Man
Are you in a perpetually long-distance relationship? It seems noble on the surface. Your partner is away for school or work. Or maybe you met someone online who lives in another state or abroad. There is no clear date set as to when you will end the long-distance love situation. Although stuff happens sometimes and long-distance relationships are unavoidable, you must have a timeline for when the long-distance nature of your love will end.
If you are in a long-distance relationship with no end to the long-distance status in sight, you may be dating an unavailable man.
3. The Already Taken Man
A man who belongs to someone else is the most clear example of a man who is literally unavailable. He always has an easy excuse as to why he can't be with you fully. He can't be with you completely physically or mentally because he is splitting his time between you and another lover or partner. In some cases, your man may be single but still tied emotionally or financially to his ex. Either way, you deserve more than to be a party crasher in love.
If you are in a relationship with somebody else's guy then you are definitely loving an unavailable man.
4. The Emotionally Distant Man
It feels like there's a wall up in your relationship. You feel like you are speaking different languages. There is a place that you feel you can't reach with your partner because maybe he can't even reach it with himself. Whenever you feel like you're getting close he does something to push you away.
If your guy is emotionally distant then he is unavailable for love.
5. The Noncommittal Man
He's just not ready. You've dated for years but there are no plans of permanency in your relationship. If this means a ring for you then you may even be forbidden to discuss it. He says he's just not ready yet. Your boyfriend just can't reach that next level of commitment to become your fiance. Or your fiance just can't reach that next level of commitment to become your husband. Maybe he doesn't even refer to you as his girlfriend or introduce you to his friend, instead. Some noncommittal people just keep cheating. Whichever way you look at it, this is a love mess.
If your boyfriend can't make a true commitment to you, then you may be in love with an unavailable man.
The Passionista Love Analysis
Beware and be wary rockstars. You deserve big, fat, juicy love with someone who is as into you as you are into them. Carrie Bradshaw chasing Mr. Big all the way to the altar may have been fun, sexy and entertaining in "Sex and the City," but there is nothing amusing about this situation in real life. Yes there are unavailable men and unavailable women, but you should not be in a relationship with either one.
My official lifestyle passionista love advice? Make yourself fully available for someone is is ready willing and able to deserve you; and let this person get the emotional help they need if they want it.
As I always say be good. And if you can't be good, be safe.
Abiola Abrams is the owner of ,  a presenter with BET ,VH1 and MTV