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Wednesday, August 31

Signs of an insecure man: Should you date or marry an insecure guy?

                                                 You cannot make yourself small enough to make anyone feel bigger

     I am a single passionista on the dating scene in addition to being a love journalist. So if it doesn't come across my inbox as a "Dear Abiola" advice question, it definitely comes across my dating life as a real life Abiola dilemma.

     We all know that confidence is supremely sexy. It feels wonderful to be in the presence of someone who genuinely feels good about life, feels great about you and enjoys being in his or her own skin. However, if we live long enough we all have had our moments of self-loathing. So who doesn't understand insecurity?
Recently I had a mini-relationship with a gorgeous and intelligent man whose insecurity was off the meter. Let's call him Cutie. I classify a mini-relationship as one where you date someone for under three months.
My first indication that Cutie was insecure was that he asked me to dress down for our first date. He said, "You always look so nice. Abiola, I don't have a sense of style, lots of money or a lot of nice clothes. Can you just dress down or maybe wear something similar to the old jeans I'm wearing when we go out to dinner?" That should have been my signal to bail, but I was feeling him. Instead I said, "I don't care about your clothes but I'm going to be me so you just go ahead and be you. You'll look great in whatever you wear."
He is insecure if he asks you to be less than you are.
No man or woman should ever ask you to downplay who you are. If they think that you are too much in any way then they should not be with you. As long as you are being a courteous, polite and respectable human being to the people around you then you should feel comfortable being you -- and so should he.
He is insecure if he is jealous of your friends.
This man was also extremely jealous and said repeatedly he didn't understand "why a woman like me would be with a guy like him." Huh? He wanted to know all about my male friends; who was gay vs. who was straight and might be interested in me in the future. Cutie also needed check-ins of where I was at any given and panicked whenever I didn't answer the phone. He started out as a fun and awesome guy but his insecurity quickly became a drain.
He is insecure if he thinks that you are "too good" to be with him.
I felt that because I really liked this guy I could love or cheer-lead him into knowing his worth. But the number one rule in dating, relationships and friendships is that you can't want more for anyone than they want for themselves. This guy doubted his looks, fitness, financial status and education; everything that I liked about him. I believed that he was the bees knees but he didn't. And there was nothing I could do to convince him otherwise -- mainly because it is not a girlfriend's job to convince an insecure man that he is a good person.
Why trying to love an insecure man just can't work.
Write this down somewhere: You cannot make yourself small enough to make anyone feel bigger.
In any relationship we are there to enjoy and support each other while becoming better people as a result of our union. Anything less is beneath you. You are not your partner's therapist or coach. Lesson learned, again.
Do you agree with these points? share your thoughts below!!!!!!!!

written by Abiola Abrams of and published with permission